What’s Lost

Sometimes you think, “This could never end.”

Other times it’s, “What could possibly come between this? Nothing will ever split this up.”

And then the day comes and it’s just over. That thing you believed would go on forever and could never be broken- yet right before your eyes that very thing has ended.

You may not know what came between it, you might think you do.

It matters very little, for its time has ended anyway.

And yet, it’s so impossible to just “let it go.” To continue on as if nothing happened, how could one do this when the thing they lost meant more to them than anything?

You’d think the task impossible, but then one day it doesn’t hurt as much- No, it hurts the same, you’ve just become gradually more numb to the pain. You think of what’s been lost less and less as the days go by.

Some days you think more about it than you believe you should, other days what’s been lost only comes to your mind in a few fleeting thoughts.

The nights are the worst. When you lay awake awaiting the blissful blankness of sleep. It pulls you, teases you saying, “You’ll fall asleep soon. Tomorrow is a new day.”

But in those endless moments before your mind finally allows you to slip into sleep, it’s just a continuous stream of what’s been lost. What you could have done, should have done, what you did- wondering if it’ll ever come back to you, and even if it could- do you deserve it? Even if you want it, would it be right for you to get it back?

And then finally that darkness overtakes you and you’re lost in a flurry of dreams. Small snippets of past images and unimaginable things playing before you as if you’ve been thrown into a Hollywood film.

You open your eyes. The sun is shining through your window, and you can’t help but smile at it. But of course, what’s been lost is still lost. Still gone, unknown to you whether it’ll ever return.

You tell yourself that if it ever does find its way back to you, you’ll never again let it out of your grasp. But what life is there for a bird forever trapped in its cage? Tiny little escapes from misery when the cage door opens and it can imagine what it would be like to one day fly out and never return.

But if we did this, we’d only be encouraging what’s been lost to leave us again.

We can’t force anything to stay. Much more is lost when we try.

So all we can do is go on. Sometimes we feel like that little bird- in a cage made from the feelings that entrapped us when it was first lost.

If you ever find yourself one day catching the slightest glimpse of what was lost, I can offer you only this-

Do not smother it. Let it do as it pleases. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll let you see a little more of it the next day.

And a little longer the next day,

And the slightest touch of the hand the day after that,

And if you’re really careful to never ask for more than you know is right-

Perhaps one day you’ll be reunited as two birds, both free of their cages to fly together wherever they please.

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